TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
