Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
