my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
this hospital has no fireball
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
