ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
