Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Randomize