i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Boobs speak an international language.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
