and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
