what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
if only i could text you this smell
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
