Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
