pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
