Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
