What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
