Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
