I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Farmville is her only friend.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
