I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
