I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
