alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
