My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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