I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
