I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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