you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
