I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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