So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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