Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You made out with two different species that night
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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