Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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