the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize