glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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