and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
