Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
