I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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