Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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