We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
do herpes really smell.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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