the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
