Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
