I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
