What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
