I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
