I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
