Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
