he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
