Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
