he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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