My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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