i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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