I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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