I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
