the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
