So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
