She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
