$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
