I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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