my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
