i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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