its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
