Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
